i made a girl cry

no, not my wife, thankfully.  an 8 or 9 year old at school today.  

i received a paper with no name on it, which is a somewhat common occurance.  there are usual suspects, and this instance was no different.  the guilty party fessed up and i presented her with a choice.  as a common offender, i told her she could either write her name 150 times, or redo the assignment.

she wasn't happy.  she pouted.  and pouted some more.  after i gave her her options, she said "fine, i'll just do the assignment again."  the assignment was writing 20 sentences using correct pronouns.  so, as i proceeded with class, she proceeded with pouting.  and laying her head down on her desk.  and giving me the "i hate you" look.  at the end of the day, i called her up to my area.  i said "i am sorry i upset you, but you keep forgetting to write your name on your papers, and last time you had to write your name 100 times, so this time i chose 150.  i am not mad at you, that's just the way it is."

then came the tears.  i tried to console her, but she would have none of it.  so, i felt bad.  i know i was in the right, but i still feel bad that i let her down, or made her mad, or whatever.

so, i just thought i would tell who ever might read this (probably like 1 person).

but anyway, i'm sure she will get over it.  8/9 year olds have a tendency to forget things.    

this life is not about me

i titled my blog as i did because i am slowly but surely realizing that that statement is true.  i used to think that this life was all about me.  me, me, me.  i used to think that i was the most important person in the world, the only one who mattered.  i thought the world should revolve around me and that everyone around me should know that i thought that.  now, i am growing.  not in a body sense, well maybe a few pounds around the middle, but in the sense of being a good, descent person.  

i now see very, very clearly that the world is not centered around me and that this life is not about me.  in fact, i see clearly that it is not about me at all.  it is about some other people, but not about me.  growing closer to god and becoming a teacher (of sorts) has shown me this.  i know god has put me in the lives of children now and in the future to help them.  help them not only become smart, educated people, but to become good people who make good decisions about life things.  

teaching life things is as, if not more, important as teaching book things.  look, children/students need to taught the basics.  that is why they go to school in the first place.  but, they also need to be adequately prepared for a life that is going to chew them up and spit them out.  they need to be equipped with the proper battle armor to fight the good fight when they get in the real world.

kinda got off on a tangent there but, i am, through god and through young souls, being shown first hand that this life is not about me.  i feel that god put me on this earth for a reason, and i now know, without a doubt what that reason is.

i used to struggle with that purpose/reason very, very, very much so.  i had no purpose/reason, or so i thought, but, good news sports fans, i do now.

it's like everything clicked during my student teaching experience.  i had doubts, many, many doubts that i was doing the right thing; the thing i was suppose to be doing; the thing i was put on earth to do; the thing god had layed out for me to do.  but, everything became clear.  through all the doubts/struggles/pitfalls/schoolwork/etc i doubted that i was fulfilling my purpose.  but, thankfully, i have no doubt now that i am doing what i am suppose to do.

teaching, of course.  that is why i was born.  that is why god put me on this earth, in this place, and at this time.  i remember a specific moment not long ago when it just clicked.  it was amazing.  it was moving.  it was just, just the thing i needed most.  i don't know exactly what i was doing but it just hit me:  teaching is what i am suppose to be doing.  all the doubts/addictions/excuses up to that point and beyond did not matter.  it all made sense.  and i realize this life is not about me.

it's about first:  god, second:  my wife, and third:  the kids.  the kids i am currently teaching and especially those i will one day teach.  god has given me the great responsibility of molding young minds and i am fully, fully ready to whole heartedly take on that responsibility.  

i am lucky but mostly i am blessed.  i know, you might think i am jumping the gun a little bit.  i haven't even became a real teacher yet, and it's not always gonna be great.  i know that.  i am prepared for terrible days.  i am prepared for days when i ask myself:  what the heck was i thinking?  i am prepared for days when i wish i would have just stayed in bed.  but, i am also prepared for wonderful days.  i am prepared for good days.  i am prepared for days when everything works out just as planned, and i make a difference in a child's life that nobody else at that moment could have made.  i am prepared for the days when i am the only smiling adult face that a child will see.  when i am the only hope, the only ray of light.  i am prepared for the days when i see that light bulb go off in a kids eye, when finally after struggling mightily with a certain concept, they finally get it.  they get it and they feel like they are on top of the world.  

i want all my students to feel like they are on top of the world.  i want them to realize that any thing is possible if they try, and put their hearts and souls into it.  i want them to be the best readers, spellers, mathematicians, and correct grammar-users that they can be.  but more importantly, i want them to be the best possible person that they can be.  i want them to stare at life's face and say "hey, there is nothing you can do to stop me."  

maybe i am overreacting, looking too far into the future.  after all, i don't even have a teaching job yet.  but when i think about not having a teaching job, i think about how god put me where i am now for a reason.  he put me here, in this place, at this time, because he wants me to be a teacher.  and there is no doubt in my mind that he had something planned for me.  i don't believe he would have lead me this far without having a job for me.  so, i don't worry about it.  i might not get a teaching job in january.  i might not get one in august.  but have no doubt that the lord has something great in mind for me, and he will present that to me in his time.

so, i feel as if i have, in this inaugural blog, rambled a bit.  but hopefully you see where my passion is.  hopefully you see why i know that this life is not about me.

{for the record, i will not use capitalization in this blog or any to follow, unless i so desire, because i do not want this blog to be about correct mechanics.  i want it to be something that the reader and i enjoy.  this is a way i can present my thoughts and feelings without rambling and babbling along vocally.}

{thank u}

nathan